Let Go and Live

I woke up early today and found this in my inbox. A great and inspiring read to start the vacay right. Kinda echoes what a lot of us have been feeling and thinking about in the last few months. I'm a huge believer of giving value to ourselves and not letting any other person or even our past define who we are. I super appreciate the friend who forwarded this.

*emphasis added by me

By Albert Einstein

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.

Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love, but the man who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep with in your being.

To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving them, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness scare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow your pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.

You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unearned and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.

Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings, but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow; if you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

UP Kong Mahal

The recent deaths of two young women - the suicide of the UPM student and the murder of an 11-year-old girl in our barangay - made me stop and think. 

I can't even comment on the issue of suicide, because, as it has been repeatedly said in the last few days, it is indeed a complex matter and we can't just point to a single reason why this happens. 

It just made me think of how I had taken for granted my own stay in UP. I graduated from UP Rural High School, which is the preparatory secondary school here in UPLB. Back then (1996), only 160 students were accepted every year (this has been cut down to 120 in the last few years, I believe, since they removed one section comprising of 30 students per year level). 

*Old Rural building in front of St. Therese Chapel (now the Math Building) where we spent Freshman-Junior year. We had to relocate to the new site for our Senior Year.

Our tuition back then was a little more than PHP 1000 per year, and for this we got some of the best teachers in the area, more freedom compared to other private high schools and more or less the confidence that we have a better chance of getting into a good college, preferably UP. I remembered that while I got decent grades (except Math and some sciences with numbers and all, which I managed to pass by mercy of my teachers and copying from my friends), I never really exerted much effort. I was busier with extra-curricular activities and typical teenage rebellion stuff like barkada, vices and cutting classes. I shudder when I think of Ging going to high school, and as early as now I am praying to God she doesn't end up like me, haha! 

Ruralites did have a rep of being mayabang, especially once they get into UP colleges. Since we were the high school counterpart of UPLB, we had a tendency to look down on other schools, and act all smug when, say, we had to read The Little Prince or Of Mice and Men in Humanities subjects and we'd go like, yeah, we read that in high school already. I'm not saying we're all like that; I'm speaking for myself and some people I would rather not name. I don't think most of us even took the UPCAT reviews the school offered the summer before senior year quite seriously. Most of us were just glad for some excuse to get allowance during the summer. 

*The new site in Paciano, Bay. We were the pioneer batch and the word 'rural" took on a whole new meaning for us. Barriotic talaga when we first came here!

I guess this confidence was the reason why I didn't bother to take any entrance exams from other colleges. That and that my mother was a UP employee, so I figured she and her friends can figure something out in case I got wait-listed or something. A lot of my high school friends were also kids of UP staff so we shared this feeling of dependence.

Thankfully (and now I attribute this to the sheer grace of God!), I passed the UPCAT and got into my college and course of choice. For the next four years, my tuition was PHP 45 per semester because of the Tuition Fee Exemption (TFE) granted to children of UP staff and employees. If I want to add another subject, it cost PHP 10. During my last two years, I would often resort to late reg and just do pre-rog to my instructors once classes start, instead of queuing for hours in the registration line. I paid PHP 50 for late fine. My two other sisters also went to UPRHS and UPLB. My eldest sister took Medicine in UP Manila, and my other sister is taking up her Masters in UPLB now (she's a UP employee now too; my mom retired two years ago). Nowadays, the cost of one unit would've been enough to put me through college for many, many years. While I got better grades in college (even landing in the honor roll and college scholar list a few times), I still lived a pretty laid back, partying lifestyle. I got pregnant during my second year but still managed to graduate only a semester after my peers. Looking back now, I never had to worry about paying my tuition, allowance, food or lodging; we lived right in campus. I hope my daughter will never have to experience that too, and will value her education much more than I did. I have such high regard for those students who study hard and work even harder to stay in school and not take any of these for granted.

*The familiar UP Los Banos signage upon entering the UP Gate

* Si Oble. Behind him is the Humanities building and my college org's fave hangout, the Hum Steps.

The other news is that of the young girl found dead two weeks after she went missing. She was found just a few villages from where I live! The jeepney-pedicab route that goes from the Animal Science area inside campus and plies the route of subdivisions around the campus perimeter (including our own village) is a familiar route me, Ging, Ige and my family have taken numerous times. It hit closer to home because Ging is also 11. The moment someone texted me the news and I saw it on the bus TV  as well, I immediately texted my mom and sister and asked them to hug my daughter and keep a close eye on her. My heart goes out to the victim's family. Losing a child is one of the greatest pain any parent can go through, I hate to even imagine how that feels.

UPLB has been in the news the last couple of years due to some recent crimes and deaths. I hope the local government will continually do something about these and not just while the issue is hot.

Let us just pray for these two girls, and for their families as well. For whatever reasons these incidents happened, let us hope for healing, peace and awareness to come to our hearts and communities. 

Respect or Trust

Which would you rather have people give you, their respect or their trust?

The following may or may not be true but they’re just my two cent's worth. These could just be mindless rambling of a sleep-deprived girl on a Milo-overdose.

You can respect someone by virtue of their position, stature or authority. You might not agree with him all the time nor respect his values for example, but you have to at least respect his superiority over you somewhat. Then there is the kind of respect that’s earned, that’s a result not only of one’s position but also as product of his character and values. That’s good.

But for me, trust goes deeper than respect or admiration. It connotes some kind of dependency. There’s a sense of confident reliance on this person, as if you could fall with your eyes closed and he’d catch you, no questions asked.  You might respect someone’s opinions, views and decision for their sheer rationality and sense, but you may or may not follow them. But when you trust someone’s word, there’s some sort of expectation that you would believe him, follow him through because, heck, you trust him with your secrets and life!

Both should be earned. They can't be bought, bribed, sweet-talked, borrowed, threatened nor traded in. Both take time to build, though I believe trust takes longer. But who am I to talk; I trust people at the drop of a hat. But once this trust is broken, it takes me for-e-ver to give it back, especially if say, the person or persons involved don’t do anything to try to earn back what was lost. I like to think that if you have both the respect and trust of others, then you have credibility. And that’s a huge and awesome thing to have. 

*photo lifted from savagechickens.com. No copyright infringement intended.

I Am Loved

I had the privilege of leading our Victory Group session earlier today. And praise God our little group is complete, despite each of our own hectic skeds, travels and chores at home. We usually have our Bible study at Kaphe, a quirky coffee shop right at the SEARCA Dorm lobby. Their Genmaicha, Lemongrass iced tea and homemade Oreos are Sunday faves.

So glad to be reminded of God's love, and blessed by my group mates' sharing of how His love is evident in their lives as well.

"...The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." ~Exodus 34:6-7 

Indeed God is compassionate and gracious. He is merciful. He is God - high and mighty - yet stoops down on us inferior humans to extend grace and favor. Like a father who disciplines the children He loves, yet still provides a way for us to be redeemed - through His son Jesus. The verse mentions "wickedness, rebellion and sin" to show that there is no sin God is unable to forgive.

God is slow to anger. He is long suffering. He is ever patient with us, and I'm glad He is. Imagine if we have a short-fused God who gets irate at the tiniest mistake. Lagot tayo diyan!

God abounds in love and faithfulness. I remember a line from the song "One Thing Remains" (Jesus Culture) that stuck to me for days after first hearing it: "Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me." Imagine  if God's love is just adequate or "sakto lang." What would happen to us if God's love has a limit, if it is not unconditional, like how most of us love others? It is so abundant that while we were still sinners, He forgave us through Christ dying for our sins (Romans 5:8).

This knowledge of God's love doesn't give us license to sin, but rather gives us the confidence to repent and go back to Him each time we fall.

Now since we are loved so faithfully, unconditionally and abundantly, then we can strive to love others as well. We can forgive others because God first forgave us. We are blessed so that we can be a blessing to others.

*Professional discipleship group materials available at victorylosbanos.org. 

That Unstoppable Man

Let's watch this! 

I knew I read about Nick Vujicic quite some time ago in Reader's Digest and was just amazed by how he manages to survive. Now I want to get touched by how his faith allowed him not only to live day by day but to reach out and inspire many people all over the world. 

Nick, according to Wikipedia: "is a Serbian Australian evangelist and motivational speaker born with tetra-amelia syndrome, a rare disorder characterized by the absence of all four limbs. As a child, he struggled mentally and emotionally as well as physically, but eventually came to terms with his disability and, at the age of seventeen, started his own non-profit organization, Life Without Limits. Vujicic presents motivational speeches worldwide, on life with a disability, hope and finding meaning in life. He also speaks about his belief that God can use any willing heart to do his work and that God is big enough to overcome any and all disabilities."

I came across this when Ros, the other VG leader in our merged cell group, invited us. I hope we can push through with this. He's such an admirable person who obviously went through a lot of struggles in his life, but came out with a faith in God much stronger and bolder than most people. 

We're The Lost Sheep

I'm feeling kinda ambivalent in the last couple of weeks. I'm usually okay, then I'd get sucked into sudden bursts of being down, then I'd snap out of it, then I'd drift into it again unexpectedly. Sometimes, the intensity of it catches me off guard. I'd pray and ask God, this too, shall pass... right? 

Read a recent post on blog I'm following, and I was really encouraged. I remembered the parable of the lost sheep when I read it. When a sheep wanders off from its flock, the shepherd will leave the rest in search of the lost one. She tells that to keep the sheep from wandering off again, the shepherd will break one of its legs so that the sheep may lie still and finally find peace where he's at. Otherwise, it will keep straying off and get lost forever. That's when a shepherd would make sheep "lie in green pastures." Break a leg, literally? Ouch. But believe it or not, it has happened to us many times.

I liked how she compared that to God - our own shepherd. Isn't God in perpetual search for us lost sheep who had gone astray? And when we insist on going on our own way, disobeying Him and ignoring His will, doesn't God allow us to get broken, so we can be stronger and wiser, learn harder and finally seek Him and return to Him? Because only through God can we find that elusive peace. Only through Jesus can we finally rest all our sins, worries and fears.

*Photo from lyndasgrainsofsand.blogspot.com. No copyright infringement intended.

Love

A P.S. entry I was going to publish earlier, but got side-tracked by a lot of stuff, sowee. ;)

Good to know I've learned quite a few points about this wonderful, perplexing emotion - from a friend's break up, other people's (esp fellow singles') own views and perceptions, couples' love stories, the preachings at church during the 3-week "Will You" series about biblical love, friendship and relationships, the "Seasons of Love" talk we attended. I'm not saying I became an expert (ha! Far from it!) but it did open my eyes (and yes, my heart) to some new principles. Old mindsets were broken, previous notions debunked or validated.

We're all too familiar with the 1 Cor 13 verses. Heck, I knew it by heart when I heard the dying Mandy Moore say it to reformed bad boy Shane West (cue sniffles and tears). Years later, I came to appreciate its deeper meaning because I know now that the love being described there is also God.

Because of our innate desire to love and be loved, we often jump into relationships too soon. We want the first one that comes our way to be The One. I know I did. And because I was still insecure, incomplete and had a distorted concept of love, I failed. We failed. Many times.

In my three decades I realized I'm not yet ready to be 100% to love someone in the unconditional, selfless kind of love we all should aspire.

I did an exercise our pastor showed us couple of weeks ago. I asked myself:

Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I not envy? Do I boast? Am I proud? Am I rude? Am I not self-seeking? Do I get angry easily? Do I keep a record of wrongs? Do I delight in evil or find joy in the truth? Do I protect always? Do I trust? Do I hope? Do I always persevere?

I know I can't love as perfectly as God does; even I can't love God as perfectly as He does me. I can't do all these all the time, but I'll hold on for that someone who will make me want to be all these not just to him, but to other people as well.

Buh-bye February, You Were Great!

Whew, whatta week!

Let's back track a bit to the weekend. my office barkada and I went back to Sitio Sampaloc, Zambales for some much-needed break and jump start the summer. What was planned as a big-group annual lakad dwindled to just seven of us plus a couple of new pals - Riz, her friends, me, Aclo, Honey, Leni, Boop and Cy, the last three being first-timers to the pristine, private island and the unspoiled fresh-water falls we visited last year.We had a lot of fun hanging out at the beach, eating fresh sea food, frolicking in the natural pool and stone slides and the hotdog-and-marshmallow fest around the camp fire. The only twist to the otherwise serene vacay was the trip back. 

The sun was super bright but the wind was strong, so our plan to leave the island at 10 AM was shelved. Eventually, the bangkero decided to split our group into two and our group left first at 3 PM. Call me OA but it was my first time to travel on an itty-bitty boat while huge waves rocked and drenched us. Thank the Lord we survived it (as well as the second group who sailed at night!) and we vowed never to travel on that tiny excuse of a boat without life vests. Wooh. Looking back, it was a careless thing to do, especially for a mother like me. Another blessing was when we got back in Olongapo, my sister Joy and her family were spending the night in Subic so they adopted little sunburned, starving me and fed me. It was such a luxury sleeping that night on a soft, hotel bed after a night camping on a sarong spread on the shore. I was on leave the next day so I traveled for most of the day, then watched Once Upon A Time Season 2 and rested for the rest of the day.

The next day, February 26, was a very special day for me, although I didn't really plan anything grand, since I was still bushed from the weekend's events. I was on half-day leave, though. Praised and thanked the Lord for finding and saving me a year ago. Has it been a year already? Just spent some quiet time with the only man in my life now (Hi, Jesus!), and treated myself to some cappuccino, blueberry cheesecake and a new book about a forty-something writer's personal chronicles about men and their psyche. My plan for a little city sojourn for some authentic Chinese food and buy the Bible I was looking for a while now would have to be resked muna. 

Another half-day for me the next day, since we have the management strategy planning at Parque Espana. It was a great day of realizations, looking back at the year of planning (2012) and looking forward to the year of execution (2013), games, food trip, cheese talks (watched "Who Took My Cheese?") and learned a lot from our guest speaker, Alvin from our business partner. My favorite nugget from his talk goes something like, the grass isn't always greener on the other side; you just have to water your own greens on your side. Spent the night at the posh hotel suite with Jown, Dman and Myk and had a great - if bitin and abbreviated - talk due to sleepiness and tiredness. Next time we will go swimming and try the jacuzzi, please?

I also got to spend a little time sitting beside an old friend the next day at work. Haven't really talked nor interacted with him for a quite a while. It was kinda like a case of the more things change, the more they stay the same. We still found the same things funny and by mid-day had lapsed into the same hiritans we used to do before things got, well, tricky (I was gonna say complicated but that term has gotten a bad rep when Facebook started using it as a relationship status label). In hindsight - and this I honestly say without any tinge of regret or bitterness - it occurred to me just how much pain, time and effort I could have saved myself if I had just taken his friendship at face value right from the start. Things would've been simpler if after that fateful Sunday exactly a year and two days ago, we had gone back to our own lives, each one entirely separate and different from each other and just stayed friends, in the truest sense of the word. 

Later that day was our town hall, and then I helped film my old team, Team Dorobo, do a crazy Harlem Shake dance at the office parking lot.  Watching them, I got a pang I sometimes feel when watching Ging do her own stuff now, and think back to when she was younger and can't do anything for herself and would need Mommy's help on everything. 

Capped this week with a team dinner at Bon Chon. Here's to hoping the good vibes will be a great start for the month of March. Time to put all those find-my-cheese lessons to action, eh?