Manong conductors

Now we all know there are scores of maniacal drivers littering our busy highways and streets. For simple commuters like us, they are the captains of our vast transportation system, taking us to and from work, gimmicks, motels, beaches and anywhere else where public transport is present. We thank them for getting us out of traffic jams via detours and shortcuts. We blame them for another motorist sprawled dead on an intersection. We curse them for unloading us a kilometer away from our stop, and yell at them for holding up traffic by picking up passengers on a no-loading zone.

I ride a bus everyday. An ordinary, non-airconditioned clunker plying the Santa Cruz-Alabang route. And for every horn-bleeping, over-speeding bus driver, there is the ubiquitous bus conductor. If movie leads have sidekicks, then these conductors are the perfect foils for these drivers. After all, who would give the passengers tickets while the driver is busy trying to outrun the MMDA patrolman demanding for his license? Who would collect fares while the driver is trying to watch yet another Jean Claude van Damme on the overhead TV while simultaneously snaking along SLEX?

I find the driver-conductor relationship interesting. It's almost like a little of every kind thrown in: the witty banter of old friends, the familiarity of an old couple, the machismo of two buds. One cannot do without the other. It is also funny how despite being totally co-dependent on each other in the manner of how they operate the entire ride, it is clear that they know their roles well and stick to it. The driver handles the machine, the traffic and the other cars around them, while the conductor takes care of the happenings and the people inside the bus. They don't overstep on each other.

I remember once there was a drunk inside and was arguing with the conductor about his change. They got into a heated argument, with the former challenging to knock out the other man's teeth, while the latter barely able to conceal his irritation. When the drunk tried to punch him right then and there and the other passengers (including me) were screaming in fright ("Manong, ibaba nyo na siya!") , the driver was almost oblivious to what was going on, calmly snacking on a bag of peanuts and listening to Christsuper banter with Nicoliyala on the radio. It wasn't until the conductor knocked on the door to make him stop and threw the poor drunkard out of the bus that he got an inkling something was amiss. When the ride resumed, the driver threw his partner an innocent glance and asked, "Ano nangyari, pare?"

I've met masungit conductors, giving passengers who hand over large bills a hard time. "Wala ba kayong barya?" Duh, if we had, we would've given it already, spare me the attitude.

I've experienced being hit on by one. After mindless small talk about the bus schedule and the traffic situation in Anos, he suddenly asked for my cell phone number! And when I politely (yes, politely, with huge effort) said I don't give out my digits to just anyone, he pouted and asked, "Dahil ba hamak na kundoktor lang ako?" Ay, feeling Robin Padilla in a Sharon Cuneta movie. "Wala namang masama, single ako." Uhm, I think I'll pass, oh by the way, this is my stop, stooooop the freaking bus!

There are those aspiring DJ's who play the stereos way too loud, and kept on changing tracks mid-song. Sometimes they would sing along too.

I try to steer clear of the chatty ones, especially when all I want to do is sleep through the entire trip, but he has already taken the empty seat next to me. "Sa call center ka ba, ne? Ano oras pasok mo? May asawa ka na ba? Grabe e di lagi ka puyat. Magkano sweldo mo? Naku e di ang laki ng bonus mo nung Pasko, balato naman." Friends we are not, manong.

Then there are the bolero-bordering-on-sexual-harassment types, the one who would always greet the passengers, "Uy blooming si Ma'am. Bababa na si Sexy, konting preno, baka umalog ang... bag! Mukhang nanaba si Ms. Ganda ah, buntis ba kayo? Naku estudyante tiniket ko sainyo, kala ko bata pa kayo eh," all with a ngising-aso smile.