Yes it is an inescapable fact that I am skinny. Comments about my weight and frame range from the ego-boosting "God you should be a model!" to the derogatory "Tangina, mukha kang adik!" Time and again I've spoken and written about my thinness. People think that when I eat salads I'm on an obssessive diet, and when I do pig out, they give me dirty looks because I don't seem to gain a pound.
Therefore, lest I be accused of being selfish in my "quest" for a skeletal frame others would die for (and I really wonder why, for I would kill for all your hips and thighs and boobs that jiggle and wiggle when you move around!), I will share tried-and-tested weight loss tips I have learned - whether inadvertedly or not - through the years tipping the scales between 84 to 105 pounds (my all-time high was 138 lbs during my 9th month of pregnancy).
WARNING: Please consult your doctor/ mentor/counselor/best friend/ toma mates or shrink as some of these methods pose a great risk to your health and sanity. I will not be held responsible for your hospitalization or death. Please use your goddamn common sense, for crying out loud.
1. Drink hot black tea first thing in the morning... and nothing else. Do this for at least a week and watch them pounds go! Of course, you'll probably be too sick and fainting all over the place to wear that size zero dress you've been dying to wear. (Dying being the operative word.)
2. Eat a big breakfast with lots of fruits and fiber (think rice, ulam or oatmeal with fruits) as this will speed up your metabolism. It's a common misnomer that skipping breakfast will help keep that stomach pooch flat. And we all know how we're sneaking off three fat bavarian doughnuts in our workstations by the time the first break rolls in, no?
3. Eat spoiled food. As in panis na may bula-bula na at makati na sa dila pag nalasahan. Surefire way to clear your stomach of ALL contents. Let's see you work up an appetite after puking your guts out. I recommend: rice cooked yesterday and left all moldy and watery, panis na niyog and unrefrigerated kare-kare or kaldereta from two dinners ago.
4. Get crazy, stone drunk. Much like eating spoiled food, you are guaranteed to throw up everything the morning after guzzling everything from Jose Cuervo, Red Whore or Grandma. At least with this method you enjoyed your inebriated escapades, exept that you might have made a fool of yourself, got date raped or said some things you will regret for the rest of your life. Plus hangover's a bitch. But for me, I don't have any appetite the whole day after getting drunk, so there.
5. Jog, jog, jog. Not only will you sweat like a pig but it's relaxing to just listen to your tunes and soak in the Elbi scenery.
6. Commute to the city for a total of 4-5 hours everyday, riding a hot, cramped ordinary bus, sometimes standing or just barely hanging onto your seat. Pass by the SLEX construction and breathe in all the dust and dirt so you'll feel full. Then ride a jeep or two, couple of tricycle and pedicabs and then walk at least half a kilometer to and from the kanto to teh office, and the subdivision street corner to you house. Repeat 5 times a week.
7. Get 3-4 hours of sleep a day, preferrably during the day so your body doesn't feel recharged and doesn't have time to repair itself, which is what happens during the normal 8-hour nocturnal snooze of normal people with normal day jobs.
8. Have a kid through C-section and ask the doctor to tighten the stitches on your stomach when closing you up. Instant tummy tuck! Yun nga lang may alupihan ako sa tiyan.
9. Put the S in skinny jeans. Not only will it make you look way slimmer, but once you start feeling like you can't fit into them you'll do something. Fast.
10. Cut down on softdrinks. It's actually not true that they contain too much sugar that it'll make you fat, but it just sounds sensible, I guess.
11. Cut down on fast food. Now this is true. Just look at the average American whose diet consists of too much processed foods; they practically live on McDonalds, microwave dinners and ready-to-eat meals loaded with calories. Even uhm, ou heavier Pinays look tiny compared to their US counterparts.
12. Have good genes. Thanks Mama. But did you know that in our family, we're all slim when we're younger but once we hit the 30s, we start piling on the pounds and have a really ahrd time getting them off. Just look at my sisters' hips. (Peace mga ateh, I love ya!)
13. Go malling for a whole day in heels or stilettos. The workout will kill you calves and tilting on pencil-thin heels will make your ass work extra hard. All those paltos and kalyos would be a small price to pay.14. Have a grrrreat, thumpin' time in the bedroom. It's a proven fact that vigorous sex burns enough calories to rival a full-blown work out. (Nabasa ko lang to sa Cosmo. Promise.)Now if only one of you sexy, voluptuous women out there will return the favor and tell me how to score a babelicious bod. That way, the next time I go lingerie shopping and I ask for anything smaller than a 32-A cup, the ever tactful saleslady will not tell me, "Ma'am try nyo po sa pre-teens section."Ouch.
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