I don't mean to be mean. Really. It's in my genes. Hahaha. Seriously. When you spend 4-5 hours everyday for five days a week staring out the window of a commuter bus, you notice things. (Plus I've been on an "Ugly Betty" DVD marathon and Amanda's brand of skanky bitchiness must be rubbing off on me.)
You know, things just kind of pop up to you unexpectedly and if I don't get it out of my system now, who knows, I might just slit somebody's throat or jump off Mulawin creek.
Wearing regular spaghetti-strapped bra with a halter or racer-back style top. Honey, that's why strapless bras were invented. If it keeps sliding down your (our) nonexistent boobs, try getting the next smaller size or stuffing it with pandesal - that's what I do, nyaha! Nothing says sloppy better than a pair of skin-toned, ratty bra straps, and black or red lace just screams hooker.
A close second is wearing high-waisted Granny panties with low-slung or hipster pants. Not only does several inches of underwear not meant to be shown rise above the waistband, but the VPL are so dang visible you might as well wear a placard that says, "I know what a t-back is but I don't floss my butt!" Of course, this outfit goes so well with hanging tops or baby tees that when you go up a jeepney, you get all bent and shy about pulling your shirt's back to cover that... that... next item please.
But is the above-mentioned better than my next pick? Butt-cracks smiling smugly over dangerously low pants, so low Flo Rida would have to cover his eyes. I know Ara Mina looked good strutting her cleavage down there in Mano Po, but even if I don't have a cleavage up in here, I think I'll save half of the Alabang population from fighting the urge to drop a 5-peso coin down my, uh, slot.
Keeping your nail polish on loooong after it has disintegrated into tiny, dull-colored chips, with half of your yellowing nails peeking through the mess. Last I checked, a bottle of acetone costs less than ten bucks.
Wearing huuuge pambahay shirts AND denim shorts to the beach. Swimming. Frolicking in the waves. Driiping buckets of saltwater upon getting out. Yes, as swimsuit cover-ups or as the actual bathing attire. Now all we need is the broom and dust pan and you can sweep the ocean floor. Or how about those who wear their PE uniform of sando and jogging pants ensemble? Is there a volleyball court in King Triton's palace under the sea? Nobody says everyone has to don skimpy bikinis but with the millions of surf shorts, tankinis and gorgeous one piece suits available anywhere from Rustan's to Divisoria, there's something for everybody. Oh, and FYI, you don't wear briefs under board shorts. Dude, that's like tucking your undershirt into your tighty whities.
I forgot what you call that green and black checked scarf those guys playing Airsoft use. My brother, when he started playing, had one. He suddenly stopped wearing it one day in disgust, then I saw pink, purple and bright yellow variations styled ever so carefully around the neck of people I ride the bus with or see hanging around Maahas streetcorners, wearing it with agua oxinada-bleached, emo locks cement-stiff with gel, practising dance moves and back flips.
Cell phone numbers scrawled on buses' or jeeps' seats, begging for a textmate. Yes, we're just as desperate as you are. Or a "Bhoyet Luvs Girlie 4ever" or "Gangstahs Rulz" crap vandals on bathroom stalls and mirrors. Like I care. Go setup a website or online account for your narcist tendencies (thats' what I do!) and stop trashing public properties!
Those feeling-smart con artists wannabe who sends me text messages like, "You won 1 million pesos from Globe, send us P150 load to validate and claim your prize." I usually tell the texter to shove that million up his ass or buy himself a brain.
Inappropriate clothes at church. I'm not fanatically religious or am being oh-so righteous (I'm not?), but something about excessive sequins, tube tops or pekpek shorts in a place of worship just seems a little... off, don't you think?
Stockings or panty hose with open- or peep-toe shoes or sandals. Yes, with the footsie and seams for all the world to see. I thought the whole idea of donning hosiery is to give others the illusion of flawless legs without them knowing you had a little help.
Riding in a jampacked jeepney and sitting sideways, thereby occupying enough space for two. Do you really need to look out into the window during the ride? Do I really have to eat your long hair as it slaps me in the face? I don't remeber you giving the driver fare for two.
Additonal items from friends:
Inches of black roots showing through a bad, orangey months-old hair color. Either dye it back to black or have the heart to touch up those roots.
Boyfriends who carry their girls' teeny tiney handbag, as if telling the world, yep, kami nga! Or the girl is much too frail to do the task herself, thus enter macho boyfriend to the rescue. Urk.
People who hang talk so damn loud in malls and public places like they own the whole goddamn place. Ever heard of noise pollution?
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